where the heart speaks

I always knock out instantly once I hit the bed from being upset/pissed/hurt. It takes soo much energy out of me to be angry and whatnot. Sucks. Im the type of person who cares for others a whole lot. Most of the time I go out of tge way to do things for others and fam is no exception. Fam is #1 in my book and when I get disrespected, it hits me hard. I’m big on respect and always give where it is received. But when fam is disrespecting me, it’s hard for me to handle it.

Well tonight was my brothers graduation, and I went out of my way to get him balloons, bought airhorns, and made a poster for him. I love this kid to death, but he has a nasty habit of disrespecting me. I let things slide all the time bc he’s so easily irritated and angered. “He’s such a bitch!”, like I always say. You know ever since we were little, I always had to watch what I said around him. It sucks having to monitor what you say when you’re around someone bc it’s not natural. I constantly have to worry about “oh if I say this would he get mad” or “if I point something out will he go off on me”. It’s dumb. I can’t even count how many times I’ve cried over being pissed off at him. He always yells at me like he’s my elder or something, and that irritates the hell out of me. He makes himself out to be older and smarter than me when in fact, he is in the wrong. When we’re around fam he’s not too bad, but in public around our (or his) friends he’s the absolute worst. He always yells at me from across the room at parties for no reason. It’s like I’m not allowed to talk to anyone or something.

I never do/say things to embarrass him bc I’m not that kind of person and I know what will upset him. It just pisses me off every single time he pulls the, “hingg?!?!” (the name he’s called me since he was a baby) number at every party and gives me that, “wtf are you doing quit being stupid wth” kind of look/gesture. Bottom line, disrespectful. 1. I can do/ say whatever and whenever the hell I want despite what ANYONE says. 2. I am the older sibling and he should not be “yelling” at me in any way shape or form. 3. When he started hanging out with my friends way back when, I never said no and let him join my circle of friends.

Tonight maybe I shouldn’t have sent him an angry text, but I was extremely pissed. Yea, it was his graduation night and all, but we’ve had this incident happen one too many times. I wanted to get my point across and let him know how angry I was. For me to go out of my way for him today just to have him talk to me like that? Disrespect.